Michael Clark:
I am a radical SideA with respect to sga, though a very conservative SideA (*almost* sideB!) with respect to sgb.

Gene:
I am a SideA with respect to sga, though SideB with respect to sgb, so at least for the two of us, I don't feel the divide to be unspannable. Welcome out of lurking!

Johanna:
I'm waiting for this sgb-conservatism deal. My behavior is rather tame, but my sexual ideology is atrociously liberal.

OK! I'll give it a whirl!

First: a radically sideA view of sga...not attempting to "prove" it, just stating what it is...

I believe that oga and sga are radically "equal" in God's eyes. He created them both; they are both gifts from Him. They have the same cause. Sga has no "cause" different from the what causes oga. They are both equally innate, or they are both equally non-innate--take your pick. To open any investigation (whether psychoanalytical, biological, or theological) with a question like "what causes homosexuality?" is inherently homophobic. It begs the question; it *assumes* that sga has a "cause" in a way that oga is "uncaused." This makes sga a *derivative* orientation, a "disordered", or "corrupted", or "dysfunctional" version of the *genuine*, *natural* heterosexual orientation we all would possess if some "cause" hadn't intervened. I reject this notion absolutely.

Sga and oga are both morally neutral. I don't believe one's oga or sga are in any way directly related to sin, whether personal or original, one's own fault or the fault of others. I don't believe sga is the result of abuse, personal failure, family tensions, personality defects, emotional trauma, or some other negative influence any more than oga can be attributed to the same.

Furthermore, I believe that in the *vast* majority of cases, attempting to change, mutate, "heal", "cure", or in any fashion "come out of" one's sga would be just as absurd as attempting to do the same for one's oga. I don't mean to offend here, but I must say it; those who experience dysfunction in the psycho-sexual-emotional realm are wrong to ascribe this dysfunction to their gender attractions *per se*. The source of real dysfunction lies elsewhere. A man comes to a professional therapist complaining of violent fantasies, of a complete failure to bond emotionally with women, and of feelings of great loneliness and despair; who in their right mind would counsel such a man to examine why he is attracted to women rather than men, and suggest he follow a program whose ultimate goal is to "transform" his oga into sga?

Finally, I don't believe that oga persons have *lives* while sga attracted persons just have *lifestyles*. Much of the material that I find offensive coming out of the AFA, the FRC, or (closer to home!) the Vatican, refers to sga as a *sexual* orientation, an inclination to perform certain *sexual* acts, ignoring all other aspects of the person, most significantly the capacity to love another person of the same gender. The *love* which gay/lesbian people experience and express is all but ignored.

All of this necessitates an absolute commitment to civil and social equality for gays/lesbians/bisexuals/ transgendered/formerly sga/ struggling with sga/ struggling with oga...WHATEVER!

Second: a very conservative view on sgb...

I believe in the very real value of sexual restraint and abstinence. We were not created to be slaves of physical passion. We were designed to *rule* our passions, not be ruled by them. I believe in the value of virginity, in the value of chastity--these are not silly, old fashioned concepts for me. In my case, the inspiration for this comes from the Catholic Christian tradition; Jayelle and Johanna might find much of the same thing elsewhere, however--in the self-discipline concepts of Buddhism, in the pre-Christian Greek tradition at evidence in such works as Plato's dialogue "Phaedrus". The latter might be especially interesting since the example of sexual restraint employed by Plato is a pair of same-gender lovers.

I found the freedom to exercise my God-given powers of sexual continence and abstinence when I finally recognized I was not a victim of some dysfunction, some aweful burden, some terrible imposition of nature which had robbed me of self-control and the ability to love.

Real freedom and real love make sexual restraint, whether permanent (in celibacy) or occasional (in monogamy) a real possibility. C. S. Lewis rightly points out in his book "The Four Loves" (otherwise not always a satisfactory study of the issues) that deep romantic love ("Eros" in his terminology) often quells the fires of lust ("Venus" in the book).

I am convinced that most gay/sga persons (I'm a little uncomfortable with the B-A language distinctions here--but that's another story) could consistently come much closer to the sideB ideal for their behavior if they rejected the sideB arguments which privilege opposite gender orientation.

To all the sga of the world: "Break the chains in which others have bound you! Throw out your pornography! Abandon the mindlessness of sexual license and embrace the gift which God has given you! The bigots on the right and the false prophets of sexual nirvana on the left agree on one thing: you are a slave to your genitals. Prove them all wrong."

My final "heresy": (still in the speculative realm...don't quote me on this one yet...some sideAers might think I'm truly daft...)

I believe it is possible that gay/lesbian people have a special vocation to celibacy/sexual restraint to a degree that is not the case for the non-gay/lesbian population. Although I believe that sga and oga are equal in value, I don't believe they are identical in purpose.

God had a purpose in mind when he created sga. Most people don't have any problems figuring out what oga is for; God's purposes in creating sga may be a little more opaque.

Some attempts at understanding this have been little more than categorizing stereotypes; gay/lesbian people are represented in the arts all out of proportion to our numbers in the population at large, or (as even the Vatican admits) we are overrepresented in the helping professions. Devotion to art, the helping of others...

Some of a more biological bent have speculated that childless lesbian aunts and gay uncles may increase the care and resources lavished on their favorite nieces and nephews in a way that is almost like adding an extra parent to the upbringing of a child. Plato speculated (in a somewhat jocular fashion) that gay and lesbian citizens were more likely to be absorbed with the affairs of the wider community since their personal needs were more likely to be modest in comparison with the demands (made on other citizens) of providing for a large family. This is at least closer to the truth.

I believe that a far larger percentage of sga persons are called to a life of celibate devotion--to God and to others--than is probably true for the oga portion of the population. Even those sga persons who find that God has blessed them with a wonderful love for another, a love that flowers into a permanent relationship, might find that relationship not *exactly* parallel to a typical opposite gender relationship.

The non-reproductive nature of same gender sexuality carries a "lighter" responsibility and constitutes a lesser good by its very nature--the pleasure we may give and receive in each others' embrace--(a good nonetheless--see, I'm not *quite* sideB!). Of course this distinction can be and often is erased in our modern contraceptive age--remember, I offer all of this not as an ironclad argument but as a speculation, a fantasia on a theme. But in an almost mystical sense, perhaps a same gender relationship has the potential (the obligation?) to consider a greater degree of self denial, a deliberate abstention from a lesser good in order to turn outward (and "upward", so to speak, toward God himself?) to seek an even greater good.

There have been some great gay contemplative saints; there should be many more.

OK, I'll stop here before I *really* weird out.

Greetings to all,

Michael Berrigan Clark 
-------------------
"Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we were put on this earth to rise above."

Katharine Hepburn to Humphrey Bogart in the "African Queen", 1951

Hello all! 

I contributed first to B-A several months ago, but since then have mostly lurked. Since I've contributed more in the last few days (and perhaps more in the future), I thought a little reintroduction would be appropriate. As you will see, I bring a few different ingredients to the mix here! 

First: I am a Catholic. Not a lapsed, indifferent, "liberal", disenchanted, or otherwise not-quite-ready-for-prime-time Catholic, but the genuine article. Furthermore, after a liberal episcopalian upbringing, some youthful rebellion, and finally some important Evangelical Protestant contacts and experiences, I *chose* to become a Catholic (at age 25). C.S. Lewis, G. K. Chesterton, J. H. Newman, F. Dostoyesky, and the (lesser known!) V. Lossky were some of the Christian thinkers who influenced my move to the Orthodox/Catholic side of the Christian world. As time goes on, I am more and more thankful that I chose for myself. I might not have survived in the Church any better than some of the former Catholics on this list had I been forced, as a youth, to put up with some of the Church's major deficiencies. 

I love the Church's genuine teaching. I love the sacramental connection with all the great saints, living and dead. I love the Tradition, which is the historic manifestation of life lived in the Holy Spirit (not the dead thing that some of my Protestant brothers and sisters mistake it for). I love the powerful Grace which the Triune God has poured out in his Church; in prayer, liturgy, mystical tradition, and most of all in the sacrament of Jesus's precious Body and Blood, where my Savior comes to dwell in me and I in Him, so that I am ever dying to sin, ever rising to righteousness in Him. 

Does this mean I am an unadulterated fan of everything the Church does? Hardly. To quote a saying that the late Dorothy Day (definite saint material) and my (distant) cousin Daniel Berrigan reiterated on several occasions: 

"The Church is a whore; but she is my Mother." 

I am enough of a conservative Catholic to believe unreservedly that the Church is infallible in her final teaching authority. She possesses NO such authority in matters of DISCIPLINE; still less in the way of any guarantee of sanctity in the persons of Her hierarchical leadership; less still in the day to day behavior of all her faithful. 

The Church is a work in progress; the spotless Bride is not yet revealed. 

Second: (warning: Michael's very personal paradoxes follow) Though a member of that Church which many gay/lesbian people consider one of the most anti-gay, oppressive institutions around, I am myself gay. Furthermore, I am a radical SideA with respect to sga, though a very conservative SideA (*almost* sideB!) with respect to sgb. Enough contradictions for y'all? Stay tuned. 

My sexuality, always a puzzle for me, remained so for many years after I found my faith at home in the Catholic Church. I realized that someone had forgotten to tell the Church that gay people can love Jesus, too. I had abandoned theological studies at a Protestant institution, so I became a high school teacher (French, Latin, Ancient History). 

I came in contact with some of the wilder side of gay life in the 1980's. Not my cup of tea. I was fascinated enough by it, though, to understand what some of the sideB people on this list might mean by phrases such as "sexual addiction" and "unhealthy sexual behavior." I was quite disappointed, really, to discover that I didn't *easily* fit in ANYWHERE. 

At a bar in Provincetown, about a 40 minute drive from my home, I ran into one of my students one night. My heart skipped several beats. At that time, I had every reason to fear for my job. I was relieved, though still horrified, to find out that my student was more concerned that I would turn him into the management for being underage (the thought hadn't occured to me) than that his homeroom teacher was in a gay bar. He was tall, mature looking for his age. Later that year, two more students showed up (also underage, of course!), though Bill (not his real name), my homeroom student, was the one I saw most often. My students said "hello" awkwardly, smiled, but generally avoided me. Bill occasionally struck up a conversation and seemed open to talking about his life. He never intruded, however. 

What could I say to these children? I had nothing to say to myself, let alone to them. I was as afraid of them as they were of me. We were all afraid of life. 

He dropped out of school his senior year. He had been an A student. I heard from his guidance counselor about some of the difficulties of his home. There were practically no responsible adults in his life. He had never talked about this with me. At night, I saw him occasionally associate with a "bad" crowd--cocaine using, resort hopping. Bill was very attractive, not yet 18 years old. I suggested lamely to him one night that he should think about getting his GED at the local community college. He brightened up a bit and said he'd think about it. 

He left for the West Coast with his "crowd" for a month. I saw him once more after he came back. His uncle discovered his body hanging from a basement rafter. The suicide note contained nothing unusual. "No one understands me. No one cares whether I come or go." 

I quit my job to study in Europe for a year. I made some very significant vows on a late Spring afternoon in 1983. 

These were my vows: 

Lord, I will never allow myself to be afraid again. Lord, I will never allow fear to stop me from doing what is good. Lord, I will never allow opinions and appearances to determine what is good. Lord, I will never lie to myself again. Lord, I will never pretend to be who I am not. Lord, I will never pretend to enjoy what I do not enjoy. Lord, I will never pretend to believe what I do not believe. 

Of course, these are rather more difficult to live by than to proclaim. 

I stayed in Paris for a year. I came back and took the teaching job I have now. 

I have no trouble characterizing my sexual behavior of that period as sin. I distanced myself from the Church briefly and entered into a relationship--my first real one--with a man; it lasted about two years. 

I decided to give up looking to others for a livable solution for being a gay Catholic. I had read the Vatican letter of 1986 ("The pastoral care of homosexual persons"); it was abominable. On the other hand, I realized that, marginalized in most authentic religious traditions, gay people were improvizing as they went along, with predictable results. Many gay people thought they were breaking the chains of the closet with unbridled sexual expression; I came to see that unbridled sexual expression was just another chain brought with us from the closet--we had been called obscene for so long, we had come to believe it ourselves. 

"Well, if I have to make this up on my own, I'll have to start with the basics. If I can't figure out what is truly *best*, I'll just have to start from what I *know* is good, and then figure out what is *better*, one step at a time." 

Some things were obvious. Casual bar sex is out. Pornography is out. But what's in? 

Then I met Martin. Through a roomate finding service. We exchanged greetings in the kitchen for six months. This was OK. Then we became friends. This was better. Then we became best friends. Better still. Then I found that my spirit lifted measurably whenever he walked into the room. Getting warmer. We started doing everything together and spent time curled up in each other's arms on the couch watching old movies. No sexual relationship at this point, mind you. The idea that we were just roomates, however, clearly needed to be renegotiated. "This is already better than I had ever hoped for", I thought. 

I realized that I *loved* Martin. Deeply, passionately. This also is good. 

This is a gift from God. God gives good things to His children. The "is gay good?" debate was from this point on forever decided for me--in favor of my love for Martin. 

That was nine years ago. 

Martin and I love each other now more than ever, if that's possible. He's out on the West Coast visiting an old friend; he's been gone 36 hours and I miss him already. I'm sure that's why I'm being so gabby on email. 

I had no answer for Bill. I do now. I was one of the co-founders in 1993 of the Gay/Straight alliance in the public high school where I teach in Massachusetts (our activities are funded by state grant). I am, in one sense, the AFA's worst nightmare--a theologically and personally conservative Catholic, politically liberal, gay high school teacher who is OUT to all of his students and co-workers. Martin was my date when I chaperoned the junior prom last year. 

The last little dissonance in my life seemed to disappear last summer when Martin declared his intent to be received into the Catholic Church. I think my abandoning him every Sunday morning for 9 years just wore him down! I took a deep breath, wondering if my wonderful parish would truly be as wonderfully accepting as I hoped. They were. As I stood before Martin as his sponsor, and in the ancient ceremony for catechumens marked him with the sign of the cross on his forehead, his eyes, his ears, his hands, his feet...well, I am not given to tears, but I could not suppress them then nor again this Easter when, after 10 months of preparation, he made formal confession of his sins to Fr. Jim (also my confessor), was confirmed, and received the Eucharist for the first time. 

So what do I mean by radical SideA on sga, but conservative sideA (almost SideB) on sgb? 

It's late. I've worn out my welcome on the lists. I'll save it for later. 

Michael Berrigan Clark