to the stories . . .
and to the still small voice
||My name is Jason Crockett, aka Legolas. I'm
a 22 year old first-year medical student living in Memphis, TN. I am Side
I was raised in what I call a "mixed family." Some people would call mine a "broken" home (divorced parents), but I have never seen it that way. That implies that my family is somehow less than the "normal" nuclear family, but I think all families are broken in some way or another in this crazy world, and any family filled with love is a good one. I look at it as having gained a step-father, 4 step-siblings, and a step-grandmother, all of whom I love very much.
I was raised in the Southern Baptist church, or rather many Southern Baptist churches. Looking back, I don't see this as being a severely conservative religious upbringing. My mother held some rather moderate to liberal beliefs for Mississippi (like seeing a person with a different skin color as one's equal *gasp*). The Baptist churches I grew up in emphasized the ways of Jesus--love God, love your neighbors, do unto others..., forgive, be humble, don't be judgmental, etc. Strict fundamentalism, mixing of politics and religion...looking back, these things only slowly invaded the churches I grew up knowing and loving.
I can also look back and see that my attractions have always been same-sex, and that I even had a vague sense of sameness with gay persons (though I didn't know what gay was). Crushes on other boys, which usually manifested in close friendships. Curiosity about the two men living together around the corner. Growing up, I had no idea what homosexuality was, all the way up to high school. I certainly never heard the word at home or in church. Even in high school I had only a vague idea from what I read in books. I saw myself in those books, but was reassured that most young men have such feelings and they are usually a passing "phase."
I became "asexual" in high school, focusing on my studies and extracurricular activities. I'm sure it helped that I was introverted, so I didn't really feel the pressure to socialize and didn't really miss it. But when I started college I was forced to confront these feelings I had. After all, 18 was a little old for an adolescent phase. Every night I would fervently pray to God asking him to take the feelings away, and every night I would silently cry myself to sleep. I remember well one night staring out my dorm window up at the starry night sky, wondering if God was listening. Wondering why he didn't answer. And that's when he did. A whisper that I had not asked the right questions. A whisper that I was loved just as I was. I thought I had cried before.
That was a fresh start for me. I was lead to information about "gay Christians," a concept I'd never heard of. I was lead to share my sexual orientation with my closest friends. I was blessed to have those friends respond in unconditional love and acceptance, even if they didn't always
understand. I was lead to gay and lesbian friends on-line, then in real life. I was lead to co-found a lesbigay-straight alliance at my college so maybe someone wouldn't have to feel that total isolation that I felt. I was lead away from organized religion, then back again. It's been a long, wild journey.
Now, I am out to all friends, most acquaintances, and my mother and step-father. Other family do not know, but I would like tell most of them sooner rather than later. They are almost all strongly Side B (some BD), but I am more apprehensive about their "disappointment" than "losing" them. But I suppose it's time to grit my teeth and hope for the best.
I attend an affirming nondenominational church here in town. It's a bit more liturgical than I'm used to, but everyone is just so sincerely warm and loving, I love it there. It is a small congregation, but I really do feel they are destined for great things. God is moving in that church.
I'm more or less involved in several Side A organizations, but medical
school keeps me pretty busy. I am also glad to have found and gotten involved
in BA. I just feel so lucky and blessed to be a part of all this. I am
glad to be moderating or even admonishing voice when the conversation in
my Side A organizations becomes "ex-gay bashing" instead of focusing on
the true goals of equality and acceptance. I'm not Mr. Perfect myself when
it comes to this issue, and I'm not quite sure just exactly what I believe
about some of this. But I'm listening to the stories. Our stories are what
bring us together. This is mine.
am also glad to have found and gotten involved in BA. I just feel so lucky
and blessed to be a part of all this. I am glad to be moderating or even
admonishing voice when the conversation in my Side A organizations becomes
"ex-gay bashing" instead of focusing on the true goals of equality and
acceptance. I'm not Mr. Perfect myself when it comes to this issue, and
I'm not quite sure just exactly what I believe about some of this. But
I'm listening to the stories. Our stories are what bring us together. This
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