As I grew up, I thought of suicide often and I thought of running away from home as well. Don't misunderstand, I was well treated and well loved and well fed and well dressed. But I had learned by the age of eight or so, that things and persons queer were frowned at and targeted for ridicule by my family. When I first cross-dressed at age five or six, it was to wear a girl's swimming cap as we kids played. I made the wearing of the cap a symbol of being the leader of the band of kids (kind of like a WWI pilot cap), but to me it was secretely a symbol of dressing in a feminine attire. 

I wish I could quantify my family's body language and the words, but I cannot. They were subtle but the messages were plain. "Don't be queer, being feminine is queer for a boy, be a man, queers are targets and butts or ridicule, if I act feminine then I am queer and will be unloved." 

I excelled at boy things. Cub Scout of Wolf, Bear, Lion with all achievement points and Webelos. Yet from the age of eight I secretly wore my mother's clothing: rarely did more than two days go by. Boy Scout of Eagle, Senior Patrol Leader, God and Country Badge and Brotherhood Order of Arrow. Yet I dreamed of wearing a girl scout uniform, of getting pregnant and of having breasts. Church softball leagues, church basketball leagues, De Molay, two years of high school rifle team letter sweater, tenor in a capella choir, co- star of Senior Play, and Commander of high school ROTC. Yet entering my senior year of high school, I'd thought of suicide often. I'd thought of the various ways to do this deed, and of the alternative of simply running away. The guilt of feeling bad plus the fear of having love withdrawn if I were caught cross-dressed consumed much of my thought. 

While a senior in high school at age 17, while ROTC Commander, co-star of senior play and lettering my second time on the rifle team, I also had a stash of mom's old clothes which I wore every night to sleep in under the covers that were always pulled tight to my neck to avoid detection. Half way through that year, my mom found the stash, and I was discovered. My parents confronted me and wanted to know what was going on. Was I queer? They gave me the answer that they wanted to hear, that this was just an experiment and that it meant nothing to me. That is the answer I gave them. A week latter I was secretly cross-dressing again, feeling huge guilt, thinking of suicide and taking greater measures to insure I was not caught. That was 1966. 

I am fifty now. I have been a woman now since 1976 and my second spouse and I will celebrate our silver anniversary next month. We enjoy my 28 year old son from my first marriage and his wife and the grandchild. I am Granny and my spouse is Gran. Over time, my son has become proud of his father who is a woman. 

But my mother, father, sister and brother are alien to me. When I transitioned in 1976 my father told me that in his heart I would be dead. He kept his word and took that exclusion of me and my son and my grandchild to his grave last January. At the funeral my mother denounced me in the chapel in front of the entire crowd. My son and grandchild were also excluded from the obituary. 

In 1966, I had thought often of suicide. I thought of running away, but I did not see that as a real solution and was afraid of being homeless and on the street. I was afraid that my parents would remove their love and put me out onto the streets. When I was caught with mom's clothes, I gave them the answer they wanted to hear. In retrospect, what I feared was true. They have ostracised me for 23 years. They would have kicked me out if I'd told them the truth. I would have been dead a long time ago, after a teenage life on the street. 

Some folks have said to me, "If your teenage story happened today, PFLAG would be visible and available to help your parents." My reply is, "It would have made no difference, because PFLAG today is still not interested in transgender teens, just gay teens." Although I must confess, in a teenager already confused over sex and gender, how does one tell the difference?

International Bill of Gender Rights

Transgender Inclusion and the ENDA Bill

Updated Look at Legal Responses to Transsexualism: Especially Three Marriage Cases in U.K., U.S. and New Zealand*