Hi everyone,

I guess I've really been silent for awhile, haven't I?

For those who don't know me, I'm Anna. I was raised in a family where Christianity was part of the identity, if not always part of the lifestyle (quite a cultural phenomenon lately, I'd say). I attended two (very) different Christian elementary schools, one Lutheran, one non-denominational Montessori method type of school. It was shortly after I began attending a public junior high school that I became consciously aware of my sexual attractions to women, and promptly became ashamed of them. I accepted Christ as my personal savior at the age of 11.

Teenage years were strange. I was questioning both my faith as well as my sexuality (I started being attracted to men in the 8th grade, more on an emotional level than a sexual level, but I was really excited about the sexual level that was there, so happy that I now had a "choice"). I had friends who were enthralled with satanism, other friends who were very insistent atheists, one was a very insistent atheist Jew who ridiculed my beliefs about God and abortion (I am pro-life, which may be the one thing about me that hasn't changed over the years).

Around my junior year of high school, I had several friends who started coming out as gay and lesbian. Shocked by their honesty, and threatened by my own silence and repression of my feelings, I told some of them in secret that I was lesbian/bisexual. The circle of people who knew grew, and I became very close with a friend of mine who I had known for a few years who was gay. 

My parents had gathered from overhearing stuff on the phone that my friend was gay, and it certainly seemed to them that the number of gay friends I had was growing during my senior year. My father especially became quite worried, and we began to have fights over whether it was "okay" or not. I had been on the internet (and the youth-guard 17-21 list) getting sources to back myself up with, and I had been encouraged to read everything from Boswell to Helminiak. None of these helped me, however, when I told my father I was going to choose to identify as lesbian. He told me to either take it back or get out of the house. I didn't really have much choice at the time except to choose the former. So I shoved everything right back down to the place where it had been for most of high school and tried to "act straight".

So basically, between that and the stress I was under with schoolwork, college applications, ulcerative colitis and the effects of prednisone on the body and mind, I think its safe to say I was close to going insane during the second semester of my senior year of high school. One of my closest friends told me I was driving him insane as well, and refused to talk to me anymore. Others of my friends still talked to me, but not in any real way. And then I came to Michigan State University.

I had intended to remain completely closeted upon arrival here, just because I thought it would be easier that way (and I certainly had good evidence from my past to back it up). It didn't stay that way long, however. I met a member of the marching band who was also into music and math and seemed about as kooky as me, and after I'd known him for about a month he told me he was gay. I decided not to lie about myself. He was rather surprised. A couple of weekends later I started flirting with a girl at a tuba party, and when I got back to marching band on Monday it seemed like the whole band knew. 

It was around that time that I began attending a campus group called Spartan Christian Fellowship. In January I went on their women's retreat. Towards the back of the room we were sleeping in there was a table with pamphlets on it, and I went back there and saw some with titles like "the Gay Debate" and "Homosexuality and Christianity" or something like that. I picked one up and started reading it in a corner, but apparently I wasn't slick enough about it. Pretty soon I had a smile in my face asking me if I wanted to talk. The answer was pretty much no... I was positive I would be attacked and I'd gotten enough from my father. The next day I was cornered by the same girl and an older woman from the church, who told me about a ministry called Corduroy Stone where people got together to discuss issues of same gender attraction in their lives, and it was a completely confidential group and you weren't required to talk if you didn't have to. I said I'd think about it.

I spent a good portion of that weekend sorting out for myself evidence for/against biblical affirmation of same sex behavior. I explored the David/Jonation and Naomi/Ruth things, and concluded for myself that they were close friendships that were independent of sexuality, and that same sex behavior  anywhere else in the Bible was clearly spoken against. Much biblical exploration and prayer led me to a life-changing conclusion at the end of the weekend that I literally told no one about for about a month. At the end of that month I had the courage to go and tell my friend from the marching band what I had decided.

I was still deathly afraid of attack and condemnation from conservative Christians, and I was pretty sure that the way to go would be to just not mention it again for the rest of my life. But somehow, a few months later, when a Christian friend of mine noticed that I had a lot of gay friends, and asked me how I knew so many, I decided to tell her. Again I heard Corduroy Stone was something I should check out and I had a little slip of paper with Mike Jones' email address on it.

So I started emailing him that summer. He told me about Bridges Across (he is no longer on the list, but has a profile on the webpage) and I have been on the journeys list since then, with periodic appearances in the forums. I started attending Corduroy Stone meetings last fall, and I have found them to be times of intense self-exploration, honesty, and spiritual discovery and encouragement. 

Last spring I was involved in a sort of real-life Bridges Across sort of place called Intersections, and it was basically a non-debate sort of meeting between students from Intervarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF) and the Alliance of Lesbigay and Transgendered Students (ALBGTS) where we attempted to bridge the divide. It was tough to get to work because of several people who weren't as interested in bridging as convincing others of their point of view. There was a lot of stress on me because of ratios - there were only 2 people in the group who were conservative Christian who experienced same sex attraction, and the other person there rarely said anything, probably because he just isn't in a place of maturity where he feels comfortable or ready to. I have since been having discussions with facilitators about how we can encourage the building of relationships in the group (any suggestions?), and not so much debate.

I think that right now, the ALBGTS simply feels very threatened by the conservative Christian same sex attraction presence on campus. One of the leaders in the LBGT faculty/staff association at the university recently sent an editorial to our paper about some presentations that Mike Jones, the leader of the local Exodus ministry, did on campus. It was clear from reading the letter that she had not gone to the presentations, nor was she aware of our actual positions on the issues.

I sent her an email asking her to meet with me, expressly stating that I did not want to convince her of my point of view, but wanted to clarify what it was. She wrote me back saying that she believed any meeting between us would turn into an argument, and she didn't want to meet people just to argue with them. I replied stating that my intent was expressly not to argue, but to clarify, and I acknowledged that in the end it was her decision whether or not to talk to me. She has not written me back.

In one of my teacher ed classes we have recently been discussing the refusal to learn among certain students. I think this is a prime example. And I believe it is a very real issue, when leaders in our movements do not even desire to know what the other side actually says.

I'll jump off of my soapbox now.

Later, Anna