Conference Bio: Four years before meeting each other, John and his wife, Anne, left their respective gay lifstyles. Both have shared their remarkable stories of change extensively in national media. John has  recently written a book about his journey entitled Not afraid to Change. He is the homosexuality and gender specialst for Focus on the Family's public policy dividsion, and also serves as the chairman of the board of Exodus International.  The Paulks live in Colorado springs, Colorado, with their young son.

Selected links:
John's testimony at the Memphis Conference
John and Anne Paulk testimonies
Guess who's coming to dinner by Anita Worthen
Someone I Love is Gay by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies
Loving Your Child by Kelcie Sheeriff
Responding to a Loved One's Homosexuality by Eagles' Wings Ministry
A Lesson in Love by Tom Taylor
My daugher is a Lesbian by Kathleen Bremner

Breakout Session

John Paulk began the class by showing video clips from two "secular television shows that dare to show some reality of  how families deal with hearing about homosexuality."   A clip from a  March, 1999 episode of Dawson’s Creek was followed by  three clips from "The House on Maple Drive,"  a made-for-TV film of several years back, recently broadcast on the Lifetime cable network  These scenes are highly charged and put the audience through an emotional wringer. 

Following the video, Paulk used the clips to talk about the "host of emotions" which occur when a child comes out to a family. "Oftentimes when someone discloses that they’re dealing with this or that they are gay or however the person wants to label this, it hits like a bombshell."

Denial:  (Dawson’s Creek father wanted to turn his back.  Maple Drive mother: "I don’t want these things said in my house" she didn’t want to hear it. Mother: "I don’t know, I don’t want to know." Son: "you don’t want to know me either." ) 
Avoidance:  (Maple Drive son: "you walked in on me and Kyle, 2 years ago Mom.")
Disbelief,  Shame, Anger, Guilt, Blame, Detachment, Loss of Dreams, Accusations.

Fear of others’ finding out: (Maple Creek mother:  "The invitations have already gone out!")

Paulk says, "Families keep secrets for years or decades, not even telling their best friends."  Many  senior minister’s have contacted him over the years because they have  family members (children, siblings, spouses) who are homosexual and they can’t let anyone know.  He says that in the churches, perhaps particularly in the south, there is a need to put on a front. "It’s so important to look good, and look good as a Christian.   That is not Christianity." [At this point the class broke out in applause.  It was the only interruption for applause during the workshop.] "That is not real life, because people are hurting."

In the Maple Creek film, the father says, "perhaps this isn’t about us, it’s about him." The mother replies that it is about them because they have so much invested in their child.  Paulk spoke of the "loss of dreams"  for the child’s future.

In describing a process that moves from these emotions of  loss and shock to protest then to disorganization and finally to  reorganization, Paulk was delivering a short version of the discussion in the second chapter of  Someone I Love is Gay. "The Grief Cycle: Surviving the Emotional Turmoil."

Paulk’s talk (and indeed all the conservative Christian family support group material) drives home the idea that the parents' job is to deal with their own reactions.  Paulk says,  "This is about you.  How you deal with it and what your reactions are all about. What I’m going to talk about has nothing to do about the people you love.  I’m going to talk about you about you.  Homosexuality in someone you love is separate from you."

Paulk has always been close to his mother.  In fact, throught his childhood she was dependent on him. Uncharacteristically, she was adult in her response when John came out to her, immediatly saying "I will always love you." She never condemned him, she stood by him, she started educating herself, reading about homosexuality. She accepted his boyfriends.  He believes the way his mother treated him, and the fact she was praying for him, were important in his decision to leave gay identity. His mother was not a Christian and Paulk had no idea she was praying. It was not because of religious beliefs but because she thought  homosexual lives were ultimately unhappy that she prayed.

Based on the model his own family, and his experience counseling families, these are the points he teaches.

1. Accept  your loved one where they are.
2. Show them unconditional love. This does not mean approval. He is against PFLAG because it teaches approval. "They sold out." Paulk says you can love someone unconditionally without approving of what they do and the example is, "God loves us!"
3. Make Amends. If you don't have a relationship, start one.  It is never too late. Apologize, tell them you love them. Forgiving and making amends goes on both sides. Making amends can do away with years of hurt.
4. Don't manipulate by sending them pro-exgay materials or having pastors call. "Stop playing Holy Spirit."
5. Don't play God.  "It is not up to you. I don't know anybody, anybody, that  comes out of homosexuality for their parents. NOBODY.  They change primarily for Him."
6. Ask your loved one for the same respect and acceptance and tolerance that they ask of you. Love works both ways.  They need to tolerate and accept diversity of your opinion.
7. Get personal support for yourself
8. Provide hope.
9. Pray.

Closing in prayer, Paulk entreated, "Help us to love our loved ones"  "Help us to not be bound up in who we want our loved ones to be."