| Wisdom
and the Messenger
Foundations for Addressing Issues of Sexuality and Identity |
||
| by Melanie
Geyer
CONTENTS:
Changing others is not our business. Convicting others of right and wrong is not our job either. Our job, perhaps, is to trust God to direct our paths, to work holiness in us, to work wonders in others, to order the Universe as needed. Quite likely, this will be enough
to keep us busy for many years to come.
CONTENTS:
Distributed by
To encourage honesty in others,
we need to let them know that we will not shame, condemn, or force our
agendas on them. We can commit ourselves to respect and to respond to others
as fairly as we know how. Also we can refuse to use what others share with
us as fodder for gossip or as ammunition against them in the future.
While sharing the news of healing
and freedom with others, if we trust God in our doing so we will acknowledge
His presence. We will recognize that we must trust in Him not only direct
our paths but also to speak or confirm what we say to those who hear us.
Fear that dominates a person will
lead almost any individual to feel the need to maintain control over a
situation.
In confidence then we can say what
we believe, talk about God's call on our lives and yet still remain open
to how God might or might not be speaking to another. In doing so we will
not be threatened by differences or perspective, will not need to retreat
or attack or conform. Instead we will be open to learning but also not
needing to change our own beliefs just because of disagreement or because
of difficult questions.
CONTENTS:
This booklet is produced by Transformed
By Grace and distributed by Paralepsis Books
Transformed By Grace is a Christian
outreach providing education and support for individuals seeking God's
will regarding issues of sexuality and identity
TRANSFORMED BY GRACE
We believe that Jesus is the Son of God, sent into the world to be our Savior. We believe that he died for our sins, rose from the dead, ascended to the right hand of the Father and now reigns as Lord of all, having sent for the Holy Spirit. We believe that Jesus will return again, bringing judgment, resurrection and the Kingdom of God in its fullness. We acknowledge ourselves as sinners in need of God's forgiveness, which is available through faith in Jesus Christ. It is our desire to die to our sins and be raised to new life in Christ as expressed in baptism. We are committed to following Jesus Christ. It is our desire to learn from him and to obey his commands. We accept Scripture as our rule of faith and life. We believe that God has called each of us to be a member of a local body of believers. This membership includes the sharing of our lives with members of that local church and an offering of our gifts and resources as an expression of membership in the broader Kingdom of God. We also uphold Christian values
including: sexual fidelity for those married, celibacy for those not married,
heterosexuality as God's intended context for marriage, abstinence from
pornography. the power of prayer, forgiveness as a means to reconciliation,
repentance as a means to forgiveness, individual relationship with God,
individual discipleship, and local church membership and involvement.
CONTENTS:
In confidence then we can say what
we believe, talk about God's call on our lives and yet still remain open
to how God might or might not be speaking to another. In doing so we will
not be threatened by differences or perspective, will not need to retreat
or attack or conform. Instead we will be open to learning but also not
needing to change our own beliefs just because of disagreement or because
of difficult questions.
|
1. Trust and
Outreach
If we are able to be involved in outreach--to reach out to others who need healing from sexual or identity confusion--then we need to know about trust. We need to know how, specifically, to trust a person to God's care. Trust is a personal judgement of another person's trustworthiness and a willingness to act on the basis of that judgement. To trust is to relinquish control over the outcome. To trust someone is to rely on that person. To trust God to work in a person's life is to rely on God to do the work. This trust implies that we act (or, sometimes, do not act) in a way such that the outcome is dependent not on us, but on God and the other person. In general, trusting God is similar to trusting persons. As we place trust in an individual and that person proves his or her trustworthiness, we will tend to continue to trust them. When we place our trust in an individual and that person does not meet our hopes or expectations, we are faced with uncertainty about how and when to again trust that person in the future. In trusting God we can expect to get to know Him better, and to grow in our understanding of His trustworthiness. Hopefully, then, we can trust God all the more. This basic trust in God is essential for being an instrument of God and for being a factor in the healing process in the lives of people around us. Psalm 3:5 says that we are to trust God with all our might and not rely only on own understanding. It also says that, to the extent that we acknowledge God in our day to day lives, He will direct us in the ways we are to go. Our own understanding of events, persons, and circumstances is limited. We all have human restraints. Guidance from and reliance upon someone bigger than ourselves is natural. In light of this, acknowledgement of God is not merely naming God as God but is an inward recognition that God is present and capable of guiding and leading both us and others. While sharing the news of healing and freedom with others, if we trust God in our doing so we will acknowledge His presence. We will recognize that we must trust in Him not only direct our paths but also to speak or confirm what we say to those who hear us. We are compelled to trust God when interacting with others. Experience tells us that we can seldom convince another of what we would most like to convince them, especially if the information has deeply personal implications for their own lives. Jeremiah 31:34 suggests that everyone we meet is capable of hearing the Lord. The burden for us, therefore, is not necessarily to convince anyone of anything. If we read Jeremiah in conjunction with John 16:8, then we may see that our job is only to be faithful to whatever task is set before us. And, not only that, but the job of convincing someone to turn their lives around is ultimately a job that belongs [to page 3] to God alone. This suggests that we can set aside our own timetables for the lives of others. In doing so, our own frustration levels will most likely decrease. As we set aside our burdens of the need to prove what we believe to others (not that we shouldn't be ready to give reasons for why we believe what we believe), we can expect that God will speak directly to those around us about what they need to do in response to whatever they hear from US . Left to ourselves, if we were to suggest ways toward freedom from sexual brokenness or identity confusion, we would perhaps suggest stages and steps toward wholeness which would coincide only with our limited training or with what we ourselves have personally experienced. God, thankfully, sees beyond our limited perspectives. His timetable, and the optimal timetable, for another may indeed be very different from our own but will fit each individual in an unique and appropriate way. What, then, is our responsibility? We can acknowledge God as involved in the world around us, looking to Him to direct our paths, where we go, what we do, whom we speak to, and what we say. We can, In humility, not be surprised when the timetables of those around us seem to be different than our own. This involves trust and relinquishing control. We can be honest: about what we know, about what we do not know, about our belief in a God who is not only more powerful than us but who loves and cares for us as well. We can be ready to give an account for what we believe to those who ask. We can continue to listen to God for ourselves-never assuming we have reached the point that we no longer need prayer, or Scripture, or to learn anew from the Lord. We can pray for those around us, that they might listen for the Lord, that God might speak to them, might care for them as He sees best. We can pray for ourselves, that we would not be among those who "have the form of godliness but deny the power" (II Timothy 3:5). In following the Lord and in seeking the truth we will be led to places where we can see God's power active and at work in the lives of those around us. As we do, our trust can grow and we can grow in taking the risk that God is the one who will bring change and healing to others. And we can pray for others and encourage them to seek not only God's ways but God himself. In practice, in outreach to another, what might this look like? In encountering a Christian still active in homosexuality, we might take the time to get to know them, letting them know us, praying for them, and encouraging them to grow in their relationship to the Lord. And we can trust that God will lead them to ask for resources as they need them, to search for answers as is fitting. Or, in encountering a non-Christian active in homosexuality, we might take the time to get to know them, letting them know us, praying for them, and watching for signs of how God is at work. But still, our overall expectation will be that our part is relatively small, God's part being more essential. The extent to which this feels passive on our part may, in fact, only indicate our lack of trust in God's initiative and ability to act. In encountering someone who is suffering with identity confusion, whether that be because of abuse or general needs that have gone unmet, we can prayerfully approach this person. We can expect God to answer those prayers to work in the hearts of others. In praying, we may seek God's wisdom about how to distinguish our part from God's part. And we can look for signs of what God is already doing, in order that we might cooperate more fully. Or in encountering someone who is offended by our beliefs we may seek as peaceful a resolution as possible, but not presume that our mere words will change their beliefs into ours. Changing others is not our business. Convicting others of right and wrong is not our job either. Our job, perhaps, is to trust God to direct our paths, to work holiness in us, to work wonders in others, to order the Universe as needed. Quite likely, this will be enough to keep us busy for many years to come. 2. Wisdom and the Messenger Jesus, in sending out his disciples to proclaim the good news told them: "See, I am sending you out like sheep into the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." (Matthew 10: 16, NRSV) So too, those of us who wish to share the good news of freedom and healing in matters of sexuality should do so wisely. These couple of pages discuss what may be involved in maintaining wisdom as we interact with others. According to James 3: 17, wisdom, the kind of wisdom inspired by God, is pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, and without partiality or hypocrisy. How can we be wise in sharing our message of freedom from homosexuality and other sinful behavior and broken identities? This passage from James may give us some clues: We need to make sure that our message is pure. For me, this means that I need to know of what I am sure concerning sexuality as well as what I am not. If I am only saying what I think people wish to hear, or quoting scripture without having considered the broader scope, or if I am speaking what I think but not what I truly believe, then I am not speaking with purity of wisdom. To be pure implies that, at times, I will admit my ignorance or make amends for words I have too quickly spoken. To be pure is not to be perfect or somehow other than what one is. Rather it is to be consistent, to be on the inside and the outside what one appears to be in front of others or claims to be in writing or speech. Personally, there is much I do not know. I am may be convinced that freedom from homosexuality is possible. I may also be convinced that homosexual behavior is sin. But I have also been called to be compassionate, loving and respectful of others. Also I too am a person who struggles, if not now with overt sexuality, then still with [to page 6] issues of identity and security. As I change, I can say so, but not until then. Our message needs to be peaceable. This suggests that, when engaging in controversial discussion, I should not breed additional condemnation or destructive polarization. I may need to leave or to risk having others leave because of their request or based on their own initiative. But, if others are open and if I speak wisely, what I say should bring affirmation and clarity and in many situations can be recognized by different sides as part of one possible, genuine solution. Thus, a peaceable presentation of the hope of change may come across as an invitation. Or, it might be heard as a challenge. But definitely it will be said sensitively, in a way that invites openness rather than produces only defensive responses in listeners. This suggests that the message of freedom need not be offensive to those who do not believe freedom is possible. At least, it will not be offensive to large numbers of those who would otherwise oppose this message. The message of hope and change needs to be gentle (or, in other words, "with elements of graciousness"). We do not want to further harm those who have already been wounded. Being wise implies being sensitive while we are empathetic to the life situations and dilemmas of those around us. Being gentle might mean, in the instance of homosexuality and the possibility of freedom, that we will not close the doors on those who are not ready, not able, or prefer not to hear. For example, a person with AIDS as a result of homosexual activity may not need to hear about change but about the love of Christ and about the cross and the resurrection. We will be willing to yield (or "obedient and compliant") as we present a message of freedom. This may mean at times acknowledging that my prepared solutions do not equally address all problems and situations. This should come as no surprise. I do not have all the answers. Only God does. I, along with everyone else, am still [to page 7] learning. Sometimes there will be much I have to learn from others--even those who disagree with me on fundamental aspects of faith. This may mean that I will at times agree with those who represent different positions than mine. If I expect others around me to be open to learning, then I too need to be open to the same. There is perhaps much to be learned from those who claim that homosexuality or premarital sex (or whatever) is not wrong. This is not to say I have to change what I believe just because someone disagrees, but rather that I expect to learn and refine my thinking along the way. Ultimately, "willingness to yield" requires a high degree of trust in God's truth and power as well as in God's ability to reveal these things to us and to others. Lack of such trust in God's control will preempt us from being "sent" since it precludes our ability to yield. To be full of mercy and good fruits suggests that those around us most in need of hearing about hope for change will be glad for our presence, for what we have to say. They will see in us evidence that we are not judgmental or legalistic and that something good has derived from what we have chosen in life. This might mean that we will love even those who have hurt us so that good may result even when we do not fully succeed in conveying what we wish to convey. Finally, to be wise, our message will be without partiality or hypocrisy. Thus we will say what we mean and mean what we say. We will also not "tip the scales" for certain favored or disfavored persons but will respond graciously to all and with honesty. To respond honestly, without hypocrisy, suggests that our message will be the same, regardless of who hears it. In summary, those of us who wish to share a message of freedom or healing with others concerning sexuality should be able to answer these questions in the affirmative: Is your message pure? Is your message peaceable? Is it steady enough to stand under opposition and to invite openness and reconciliation, even if not accepted by those who listen? Is what is said not harmful to those who listen or who might be listening? Is it said gently? Are you willing to listen to responses and to yield to others when they have a valid point to make? Is the message full of mercy and does it produce good fruit in those who hear? Finally, are you impartial, open with whomever God leads you to share? And can you do so without pretending to know more than you know? Being wise as serpents, as innocent as doves, we can be sent out to make a difference in this world and in the lives of those around us. This is part of a vital foundation needed by anyone who wishes to venture in the support and pursuit of ministry or healing in areas of sexuality today. May God indeed grant us wisdom. 3. Living Honestly Honesty involves integrity. Honesty is not perfection. Rather, to be honest is to present to others an image and message which is congruent externally with what we know of ourselves on the inside. The pressures against living and speaking honestly are many: People may not like us. We may be seen in a less favorable light than we would otherwise prefer. We may risk displeasing our best supporters. We may even lose friends. On the other hand, being honest has its rewards: Honesty simplifies life and frees us from the need to explain away discrepancies of word and deed. It frees us from the need to expend energy hiding. It allows us to identify with others--in their joys and in their sorrows. In being honest we will find our real friends. Also, honesty frees us from the tyranny of perfection and needing to look good. In being honest as Christians we acknowledge that God knows us and accepts us. Honesty and knowledge of this acceptance should, in turn, free us to accept and love others. To encourage honesty in others, we need to let them know that we will not shame, condemn, or force our agendas on them. We can commit ourselves to respect and to respond to others as fairly as we know how. Also we can refuse to use what others share with us as fodder for gossip or as ammunition against them in the future. Too often, in Christian circles, the desire for perfection, security, and acceptance leads individuals to hide real issues that are pertinent to their lives. We cannot demand honesty of others, but we can invite and foster honesty as an essential ingredient in life. To some extent we as Christians foster dishonesty by putting requirements on leadership and others without loving provision for failure and without appropriate and loving accountability along the way. Then, when persons show their imperfections or failures, we are shocked and in dismay or feel betrayed and let down. Or, when others do suggest they are vulnerable, we too quickly dismiss this as insignificant or unspeakable. Doing so suggests there is something wrong with honesty and will only encourage others to veer away from saying what they need or want to say. In dealing with matters of sexuality, honesty is crucial. A person who cannot be honest about his or her sexuality cannot be supported in making decisions about sexuality with integrity. Also, just as a person cannot move from where they are to a new place without charting unknown territory, so too, a person cannot embark on dealing with issues of sexuality without knowing the point at which he or she is starting. This suggests that persons who struggle with issues of sexuality and desire change or growth must first be able to clearly identify, those issues. The person who is sexually addicted needs to admit that he or she is sexually addicted. The person who is attracted homosexually to others needs to acknowledge those attractions. Likewise, the person who is sexually promiscuous or who maintains a fantasy life that detracts from relationships needs first to admit that those behaviors and tendencies do indeed exist. Being honest to oneself (or to God and oneself) is not enough. Real honesty will include the freedom to speak to trusted friends and supportive others. Reasons for not telling others is usually rooted in fear or denial. Fear of telling others often reflects that individuals believe their situations are worse than they really are and that they are beyond hope or intrinsically "bad" for even having such an issue. In these cases, a reluctance to honesty prevents honest evaluations of reality and available options. Denial also prevents this kind of honest scrutiny and search for answers. Granted, many seek change while still in denial or without knowing the full extent of that which they seek to change or overcome. Most often, however, this denial will be an obstacle to be overcome at some point along the way. In a similar way, if one has a past history of mental illness or of trauma, true freedom is not likely to be attained until the individual is able to face honestly into that history. In doing so he or she will be invited to consider the impact of past history. Also freedom will come in part to the extent that the individual can accept this as part of his or her past without shame, without denial, and without the need to convince others that the history did not occur. To some, this kind of honesty may seem like an impediment to growth and change or else an unnecessary clinging to past realities. Yet, even as a person's history is in their past and even as God may have provided for needed healing and growth, in general individuals will continue to remember their past and be influenced by those experiences of life. This influence need not be negative. Indeed nothing a person has been through or may yet go through is beyond the power of God's redemption. However, the influence will be predictably negative if it includes shame and the conviction that failure would occur if the truth should be known. This kind of honesty may not help us or others win popularity contests or political elections. But, on the broader scheme of life, from God's perspective and considering what really makes a difference in this world, such honesty will not be a negative factor. Indeed, history suggests that some of the most influential persons in the world were not without tarnished backgrounds: for example, Jesus was the son of Mary and was conceived prior to her marriage to Joseph and St. Paul was responsible for the stoning of Christians before becoming an apostle. If an individual is honest, he or she will inevitably be disliked at times. Jesus knew this well. He spoke truth and was ultimately crucified for it. Indeed, he wisely told his disciples that if he was disliked then they would be disliked as well. Honesty should not be considered outside the context of love (or for us Christians, outside the overall message of the gospel). Also, honesty should be tempered with wisdom. Sometimes a person will choose to remain silent--not in order to be dishonest, but rather in order to hear and respect others. At other times, wisdom may dictate silence as an appropriate way to care for ourselves. (Thomas Merton once said that true candor can afford to be silent!) Dishonesty, on the other hand, is costly and almost always negative. In the long run at least it creates unnecessary pain in others and reflects an overall distrust in God's ability to be in control. Experiences of honesty will be different for different people. For some, the ability to be honest will depend on experiences of safety and security that result from knowing one is truly loved. For others, honesty will bring to the surface issues of distrust or past trauma deserving of further attention. For others, being honest may mean admitting ignorance or ways in which an understanding of truth or reality have changed over time. Above all, personal honesty is a crucial starting point for growth, for healing, or for change. In the context of being honest, we can invite God to be part of each and every experience of life-- no matter how great, how small, how wonderful, or how painful. In doing so, God's redemption and involvement should become obvious. 4. Maintaining Respect Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them... When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about him?" Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?" John 20: 19-22 Knowing where we stand (as individuals or organizations) on an issue is important when dealing with or reaching out to persons struggling with sexuality or identity issues. But what do we do when we encounter someone whose values, beliefs, or opinions differ from our own? In the passage from John quoted above, Jesus had just finished an intense conversation with Peter. In that conversation he basically told Peter that, if he truly loved Jesus, he should take care of Jesus' followers. Peter in essence had been given a job, a mission, a way to live out the rest of his life. We could say it was a "calling". But, asked Peter, what about that disciple right behind? Perhaps Peter wondered if Jesus would call the other disciple to an easier task, to a more glorious task, or maybe even the same task and calling as Peter had been given. Jesus' response was, in essence, "What does it matter to you about what this other person does? Peter, your responsibility is that you follow me." When we take a stand on an issue, we define, for ourselves and others, what we believe is truth, what we believe God has called us to uphold. (Granted there may be some differences between this and what one is called to generally, but there are similarities as well.) The temptations that face us once we take a stand on an issue is perhaps not so different from what Peter faced: we can easily ask about others, why they do not share the same convictions or calling. The temptation is to put ourselves in a place of comparison, of judgement, of self-doubt, or of fear with regard to others. What I would suggest here is that each of these undermines our ability to respect others and that, conversely, respect is a key to maintaining our own integrity while relating to others in love. In comparing ourselves with others, or others with ourselves, we run into an inevitable problem of perspective. Comparisons between persons in and of itself suggests that we are grappling with our own identity and security issues. However, in making comparisons, rather than choosing to disrespect the other (or ourselves), we can instead ask: What does this mean for myself that I am making such a comparison? This may uncover any of a number of issues which may deserve further attention: poor self-esteem, envy, jealousy, resentment, prejudice, unresolved past experiences, over-idealization of another person, fear of rejection, or some other issue. In being honest before others and to ourselves we can then admit the real motivations for our comparisons. By acknowledging our own issues, we will hopefully be better able to maintain our respect for others. Judgment comes when we devalue or overvalue another person and, on the basis of that, come to some conclusion about their status as persons. Without doubt we do make decisions, judgement calls, in our day-to- day lives. But, in judging another, and perhaps even ourselves, we need to be careful not to elevate ourselves to a higher status than others. To do so is to begin to "play God." Refraining from this kind of judgement fosters healthy respect and prevents us from making statements like: "This person will never change" or "This person is just manipulative" or even "I will never change." Avoiding unfair judgments of others requires humility. By not making inappropriate judgments about others, we and those around us are freed to continue to consider God's invitation to each of us to receive His grace and healing. Also, avoiding judgment of others will hopefully free us to respect and look for God's timetable and priorities as we work with others. Self-doubt is also an obstacle to respect. If we cannot respect ourselves then, most likely, our respect for others ultimately will not be genuine or else will be destructive. Prayerful consideration about sin or ways in which God's Spirit is convicting us to change or grow is appropriate. This differs, however, from an incessant questioning of our own motives, values, or perceptions. Self-doubt can reflect the need for our own personal healing regarding the past, for turning away from excessive introspection, or for growth in risk-taking and identifying our own values and beliefs. This hopefully should better enable us to focus on others apart from our own needs and insecurities, to better grasp a sense of God's love and commitment both to us and to others. Fear that dominates a person will lead almost any individual to feel the need to maintain control over a situation. For some control is achieved by fleeing ("I'm not like them therefore I can't be around them"), by attack or criticism ("They are dangerous and therefore must be stopped"), or by withdrawal ("Who am I to be involved?"). Fear usually reflects a lack of confidence in God's love. Respect involves the ability to disagree with another and still care. If our primary motivations are not comparisons, judgments, self-doubt, or fear, then we will hopefully be in a position to respect those around us. Respecting another does not mean we must agree with everything they say or believe. Rather, true respect includes the ability to disagree with another and yet to maintain a caring attitude about that person. In confidence then we can say what we believe, talk about God's call on our lives and yet still remain open to how God might or might not be speaking to another. In doing so we will not be threatened by differences or perspective, will not need to retreat or attack or conform. Instead we will be open to learning but also not needing to change our own beliefs just because of disagreement or because of difficult questions. The key to respecting and maintaining respect for others is a recognition that God respects each of us as individuals, that God, in opening the door to His Kingdom, invites rather than demands. With regard to sin, for each of us, God sends the Spirit to convict, to convince us of the need to change our ways, our thoughts, our attitudes. Respecting others is ultimately a matter of respecting God's timetable, of being faithful stewards to our own calling without imposing that on others, without judging others to be beyond the reach of God. In doing so, when change happens in another, we will never be able to say we have produced the change or forced the issue. Rather, as Scripture suggests, we will instead be able to say that we were only living with as much integrity as we knew, trying our best to be good and faithful stewards of what God has given us. Hopefully then we will be better equipped to love those who disagree and more able to not impose our own agendas on those around us. This, I would like to suggest, will leave more room for God to speak both to us and to others, more room for change and healing as God directs. |
Respecting others is
ultimately a matter of respecting God's timetable, of being faithful stewards
to our own calling without imposing that on others, without judging others
to be beyond the reach of God.
In doing so, when change happens in another, we will never be able to say we have produced the change or forced the issue. Rather, as Scripture suggests, we will instead be able to say that we were only living with as much integrity as we knew, trying our best to be good and faithful stewards of what God has given us. Hopefully then we will be better equipped to love those who disagree and more able to not impose our own agendas on those around us. This, I would like to suggest, will leave more room for God to speak both to us and to others, more room for change and healing as God directs. |
text © 1996 Melanie Geyer