Sonia's intro to Bridges-Across

Maggie Heineman, here. 

On November 7, 1997 the P.E.R.S.O.N. Project posted an action alert from Tammy and Angela Parillo of Fremont, California, who wrote about their "...school district that is planning to include in their programs the message that homosexuality is unnatural and immoral."

Tammy and Angela  wrote of, " ...children who will be taught they are unnatural and immoral -those who may take their own lives in the future...how many more children have to die just for being who they are? [snip] ...This is also a stand against teaching children, gay or straight, intolerance. Intolerance that perpetuates the hatred, fear and violence..."   Tammy and Angela's alert asked for letters to the Board of Education.

I sent the P.E.R.S.O.N alert to a  Bridges-Across email list and asked for help from conservative Christians.  It wasn,t the first time such a request had been made.

In October,  Steve Schalchlin had suggested to Gabi Clayton that she ask for 'SideB' support. That story is told on two web pages. Gabi,s Hate Mail is on the Bridges-Across site and Terminal Homophobia is on the conservative Christian Justice and Respect site.

Sonia Balcer, the director of  Safe Passage, an ex-gay ministry in Burbank, California, responded to my call for action.  She introduced her message to Tammy and Angela, with a brief note to me, saying "Time does not allow [a polished response] so here are some scattered thoughts regarding education. I apologize for the inefficient rambling flow, but I hope it's better than nothing."

[Sonia's letter]
 
 
 
 
 
 

I would like to respond as one who believes that homosexuality is not a moral option for me, but who feels very hesitant about the kind of school program being described in your letter, for the simple reason that it is a matter of individual conscience in the presence of God. Though my understanding of scripture leads me to refrain from same-gender attracted sexual relationships, I recognize that there are people of conscience (both Christian and non-Christian) who believe differently -- moral people such as you describe who make a vital contribution to society. To equate morality with a particular belief (about committed same-sex relationships) one way or the other is destructive, in my opinion, since human understanding of transcendent reality is so incomplete, and only God can hold an objective view of all of the contradictions and mysteries inherent in life. Those who place their trust God's truth must also place their trust in His ability to lead individuals into relationship with Him however He chooses. 

A sex-education message that "homosexuality is unnatural and immoral" can all too easily be taught from a a standpoint of self-serving judgment (fear, conceit) regarding others who are different, and a fear of honestly and vulnerably evaluating what one believes. Added to this the lack of viable support (such a youth left to struggle alone through the bewildering territory of sexual identity), and I agree that this can and does lead to silence and hiddenness (and/or prejudice), and even the internalized sense of being shameful which can lead tragically to suicidality (or violence against "outcasts"). On the other hand, a message that "homosexuality is perfectly okay" can be taught from a standpoint of ridiculing persons with seemingly out-dated religious beliefs, leading to a different kind of silencing and oppression. Just as persecution can arise from a lack of tolerance, it can can also arise from a kind of inability to tolerate disagreement in which those with issues of conscience regarding homosexual relationships are viewed as inherently intolerant. Personally I fear forcible coercion--whether under the premise that I am irrational, ignorant, or an unwitting instrument of an ideologically dangerous group. 

But it is this very concern that causes me to resist teachings that are based in discomfort with the existence of other viewpoints or which contribute to fear and/or disrespect towards others whose actions conflict with personal interpretations of Christianity. I take very seriously the belief that as long as one group is being oppressed, the freedom of all is threatened. Given the profound differences in religious frames of reference, my desire is that neither those such as yourself who view homosexuality as a natural expression of who you are, nor myself, who believes that acting upon my homosexual attractions is not the ideal course for my life, be oppressed in any way. 

As a seventh grader in public school, my sex-education instructor was quietly believed by many to be gay, and (more importantly) she was sexually libertarian, and her teachings had an undercurrent of discounting the "archaic" standard of endeavoring to abstain from sexual activity until entering into a mature, committed relationship. While it didn't change my beliefs (I have been deeply committed to God since early childhood), it angered me and my outspokenness did not win me popularity. At the same time, I was not physically assaulted for my freely chosen beliefs about "abstinence". It causes me great sadness and concern that some gay/lesbian youth are being physically and emotionally assaulted for same-gender sexual feelings which they experience as innately and involuntarily as others experience heterosexual attractions, and it causes me to ask, what would be a better approach for teaching which would honour different religious convictions while exemplifying genuine respect and esteem of others? 

I will share some unpolished recommendations regarding sex education, which may or may not be relevant to your situation, but I hope they are helpful in some way. 

First, I make no apology about promoting sexual abstinence for youth, but I believe it must be done in a healthy, accepting way, something like: "we are here to tell you that we think that abstinence is a really good idea because sexual intimacy is best enjoyed within the safety of a maturely loving, committed relationship. We totally understand how powerful sexual feelings are, and won't think any less of you at all if do act upon your sexual feelings. But don't let anyone pressure you into it; it is okay and a wise choice to hold out for that special person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Many of us adults have done a lot of things that we regret a lot and hope you won't make those same mistakes, but we understand we are all human; there is no shame in that. If anything is troubling you, please talk about it with someone you trust." This is something like what I have said to various youth in my life. 

Second, I would provide youth with complete physiological and medical information (description of biological, anatomical information, as well as thorough discussion of diseases and risks). The sharing of this information is not a moral issue; it is background data for working out what they believe and, within a larger context of family and/or church and community support, acting in accordance with those beliefs and living in a responsible and healthy manner. 

Third, I would present respectful acknowledgement of different beliefs about homosexuality, "Some of you feel attracted to the opposite sex, some of you feel attracted to the same sex, and some of you feel a little of both. There is nothing wrong with having these feelings, regardless of religious background. Attractions do not make you a less moral person. The decision is what to do about those feelings. Some people believe that God doesn't want them to marry someone of the same sex and that through a kind of a recovery process, it is possible to gradually change sexual orientation over a period of time, or else to be given grace to live a fulfilling life whether or not their sexual feelings change. Others believe their religion and moral framework allows for homosexual relationships and that it isn't good to try to change or to deny acting upon those feelings." 

Fourth, I would maintain boundaries of privacy so that no youth is pressured into sharing private details about themselves, even one-on-one with well-meaning staff, for that can lead to subtle coercions of various kinds (either direction). Moral values developed in the family or church should not be tampered with, but genuine respect for others (and joy in discovering what they really believe) fostered, "Either belief can be sensible and helpful, as long as you aren't ashamed of who you are, and as long as you respect others who have different feelings and beliefs. It is good to think on your own about what you believe and why. No one should ridicule others for refraining from acting upon their sexual desires--this is an honorable option, and no one should be intimidated or attacked because of the sexual desires and/or relationships they have--this is a matter of individual conscience. Intolerance or disrespect of either kind is unacceptable and will be actively addressed so that this environment will remain a safe place to be who you are and grow in knowledge, understanding and discovery." 

I would close this rather rambling letter by citing a poignant set of essays by a ten-year old girl with two "moms" who is insightfully concerned about the destructive results of a society in which polarization between sides in this debate, if untempered by genuine respectfulness, can lead to real losses for everyone concerned. [Sol's Pages: An Activist's Scrapbook. A 10 year old girl speaks out about her lesbian family] 

To summarize, although I believe very strongly in how God has directed me away from same-gender sexual relationships and interpret scripture to be consistent with that direction, I also perceive the applicability of the scripture, "...cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye." (Luke 6:42). In the present minefields of our society, I hope this expression of humble reverence for God will prevail. 

Sincerely and with prayers, 

Sonia Balcer