Family Support

Let the Real Healing Begin
A Call to Dialogue by the Bridges-Across Steering Committee

Family Support

The tragedy of same-sex-attracted youth feeling isolated, lonely, suicidal, or self-destructive because they have been shunned by their families reminds us that there are millions of family relationships which cross the divide.

Rhea Murray, President of Seymour, Indiana PFLAG:

"I prayed incessantly for God to spare me this journey. Nonetheless, a crushing silence was my answer. Then unexpectedly, God whispered to me, ‘Child, you are hurting because you are trying to put the negative images you have of gays on your beloved son. You need to put the face of your son on the gay community. After all, you know what a gay person is like. You have lived with a gay person for 13 years. He is the same child in whom you have always delighted.’"

The teachings of Christian parents’ groups such as those sponsored by Eagles Wings Ministry and Where Grace Abounds have more similarities to the teachings of PFLAG than is generally realized.

A publication from Eagles’ Wings ministry:

"First, the person needs love and acceptance more than ever in light of this revelation. S/he fears this will cause rejection by the family. Therefore, it is important to communicate love in word and actions as soon as possible. Perhaps a word of love is all we can manage at first, and that is OK. Say something like, ‘I’m really confused right now, and my emotions are raw, but I do love you. Give me time to work through some of my feelings, and then we’ll talk.’ Follow this up with a note, or some other expression of care during this ‘cooling off’ time.

"When the time comes to talk further with the person, set up some guidelines to help everyone feel as comfortable as possible. Agree, for example, to read each other’s books and literature. Set aside time to talk about the issues raised in the reading. Arrange visits precisely for that purpose, but assure him/her that "the issue" won’t be talked about at every visit. Do your best to stick to your part of the bargain. See the total person, and relate to him as such."

In the same vein, Kelcie Sheriff writes:
"If, as parents, we can practice unconditional love, our children will respond more positively to us. Because they are human beings, they deserve to be loved and, most importantly, in an unconditional way.

"To love unconditionally we must let go. This is needed in two specific ways. First, we must give up our desires and attempts at controlling our children’s lives. This includes setting unrealistic limitations on when and where they can go (for the child at home), constantly giving advice with the subtle undertones of ‘I’m right and you’re crazy.’ and stifling their normal independence with our mistrust. Our children know how we feel; it’s not necessary to reiterate it at every opportunity. We must respect them enough as people to allow them to make their mistakes and make their own life choices.
"The second area of letting go is difficult because it’s hard to see. To give our children the freedom they need, we must give up our expectations of them. Whether it was a fantastic career with a strong wife supporting him, or grandchildren to sew for, these are our dreams, not theirs. It’s not fair to live for the successes and hopes fulfilled in our children’s’ lives. We must somehow convey to our children that their decisions are their own and, ‘Whatever you decide is okay with me. I still want to be a part of your life because I love you, not because I’m pleased with what you do.’"

Vision:
A publication is developed by parents on opposite sides of the issue. It compares and contrasts the positions of parents’ groups. The publication combats the ignorance that leads to some parents sending their children to exorcists or mental hospitals or treatment centers and to the streets. The publication also helps gay and lesbian children understand that religious beliefs may be a part of their parents’ identity, that unwillingness to change religious beliefs should not be interpreted as a failure to love, that to give parents the freedom they need, children must give up expectations of them. The collaborative development of a publication by parents across the divide provides a model for the development of respect, honest relationships to families separated by this issue.

The process generates other projects such as a cross-divide look at the facilities which are known on the streets as "torture centers."

URLs
Rhea Murray’s statement    www.critpath.org/rhea/rh-testi.htm
Responding to a Loved One’s Homosexuality   www.ewm.org/essay_resplove.htm
Loving Your Child   by Kelcie Sheriff
associate.com/ministry_files/The_Reading_Room/Ministry_to_Homosexuals/Loving_Your_Child

Cera Runyan         www.bridges-across.org/ba/ intros/runyan_cera.htm
Rhea Murray Website     www.critpath.org/rhea/
Eagles’ Wings Ministry    www.ewm.org

Vision

A publication is developed by parents on opposite sides of the issue. It compares and contrasts the positions of parents’ groups. The publication combats the ignorance that leads to some parents sending their children to exorcists or mental hospitals or treatment centers and to the streets.

The publication also helps gay and lesbian children understand that religious beliefs may be a part of their parents’ identity, that unwillingness to change religious beliefs should not be interpreted as a failure to love, that the relationship may demand that children give up expectations of parents, just as parents must release their children.

The collaborative development of a publication by parents across the divide provides a model for the development of respect, honest relationships to families separated by this issue.

The process generates other projects such as a cross-divide look at the facilities which are known on the streets as "torture centers."